Pseudonym

I am an aspiring author.

By that I mean I aspire to write a novel. I've got this idea. And it's brilliant. But it's massive and long and complicated and requires three main characters to tell the story properly.

I'm sure you're looking forward to reading it. I give a speculative (and optimistic) release date of March 2028.

In the mean-time I have a task. I must think of a publishing pseudonym.

It's not that I don't like my own name. In fact I quite like it. My parents named me very rationally and intelligently. David is a sturdy, ever-popular name capable of everything from elegant Prince David, to flamboyant homosexual hipster Davey to down-to-earth taxi driver Dave. It spans class and age-group

It's an every-man's name: comforting and familiar. Everyone knows a Dave. I know about ten. But David Wells isn't a name destined for stardom.

There is already a minutely famous astrologist called David Wells. And they level of fame that I might be able to garner as a moderately successful author would surely only get me oft confused with my scumbag namesake.

I should note here that we had a signed David Wells book come into our office where I work. Intrigued I decided to give him a chance rather than (as I had previously) writing his work off as brainless, malicious rubbish. I was right the first time, I'm afraid to say. And wrong to give him a chance.

His book described a process of arbitrarily assigning numbers to specific letters and then working out a mathematical equation for your name. The resulting number gives you a short paragraph about your personality.

It actually scares me that there might be people who believe this banal crap.

Back on topic.

I need to think of pseudonym.

The first name, I think, is actually a bit easier for me but it's still hard. I like names. The difficulty is not using names that I want to use in future pieces of writing. For example, I would find it impossible to name a character David, just because it would feel strange to use my own name for someone who wasn't me. Maybe I'll get over that feeling with time.

I do find, however, that it is difficult for me to completely divorce names from people I know with those names. My writing of characters is often coloured by those names.

So I have to think of names that I don't directly relate to anyone specifically, or if I do, I relate them in a positive way. Now, generally, I dislike people. So I have a negative impression of most names. And for those rare people I do like, I have other people who I don't masking my fondness for that name.

I think I've effectively narrowed my first name choice to:

Patrick or Oliver.

Fairly middle-class author-ish type names. Patrick has pleasant connotations for me, the lowest rank of which was that it was the name of my first hamster. White as snow and docile, he died of having some weird thing on his eye (I was young-ish).

Oliver is a name I've always liked: multi-syllabled for such a short word and kind to the tongue. I always feel there is something peaceful about it, despite the connotation of Cromwell or the Dickens, which are anything but.

The second name is more difficult. Patrick and Oliver are fairly pedestrian in themselves, they are fine as a pre-amble, but we need to finish on a flourish. Something eye-catching and memorable.

I'm searching for something lavish and extravagant.

I flirted with "Juneau" and on reflection it's still the best idea I've come up with. It's the name of a song I like (although not one of my absolute favourites). It's also the state capital of Alaska. The only American state capital that isn't accessible directly by road, I believe.

There is something in the excessive vowels that I like.

But I'm not really sure what I'll go for.