Where's my cocaine?

OK, so I've come to the conclusion that alcohol is the world's worst evil.
And unlike the usual "I'm NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!!!" moment, I've come to this decision not after a heavy night of drinking and with a raging hangover. I've come to this decision sober. Sober as hell.

Alcohol ruins us. It makes us sad and depressed. It makes us angry and aggressive. It makes us arrogant and loud-mouthed. It makes us childish. It makes it uncomfortable for non-drunks to be around us. It makes us lose money. It makes us stupid. It makes us forgiving in the wrong situations. It makes good guys wankers, and it makes sweet girls whores. We make the excuse that it gives us confidence, but really it just lowers our standards. It makes us abandon our friends. It makes us say things we don't mean.

And for what?
What are the benefits?

I mean, things are good after a couple of drinks I'll grant you. The high isn't even that good, and the second you push it too far you're virtually guaranteeing that you'll do something to make an idiot out of yourself.

So I've decided I'm giving up drinking.

And I'm going to start doing cocaine.
That's right full on cocaine.
No feeder drugs. No pussyfooting around. I'm going to snort that white powder till it rots my nasal cartalidge. I won't take it too far, I'll be sensible.

Of course, I am missing out one major problem. And it's a problem that has vexed me ever since my decision to give up alcohol a few minutes ago.

What the fuck do you drink?

I don't mean on a night out (on a night out I'll certainly enjoy the irony in going to the bar and ordering a Coke) I mean what do you drink when you get it and just want to have a sit down and relax during the evening.

Wine and beer are quite literally the ONLY savory cold drinks outside of water and milk. (Hot drinks should always be sweet, I think).
I'm not asking for much. A savory drink. I don't like sweet. I like savory.
Coke etc.? Fruit juice? Squash? Shloer?
You could have non-alcoholic beer, but I think that's missing the point really.
Feel free to offer suggestions, I would LOVE to be proved wrong.

Maybe instead of Coke, I'll just dissolve a teaspoon of cocaine in my water and drink that. It's gotta be good.

FTSE.

There's a lot of things they never teach you at school. Or ever.

The FTSE for example.

You hear it every day on the news.
'The FTSE is down', 'The FTSE is up', but what the fuck is it? And what the fuck is the Dow Jones for that matter? AND why do they have such obscure and completely different names?

And also, why is it the FTSE. But it's pronounced "footsie". It's clearly a fucking acronym. It's clearly the "eff-tee-ess-ee".

The only "footsie" I'd ever heard happens when you're sitting at a table and accidentally briefly clash feet with an elderley relative.

"Ooooooooooooooooooh are you playing footsie with me?"

No.
No I wasn't. It's a table and there is limited space beneath it. I wasn't try to solicit mild sexual stimulation with a member of my own family. The suggestion repulses me.

So, the constant reference to it on the BBC and (I presume) other news programmes, I have no basis for understanding the concept.

Writing.

I used to think there was nothing more painful than reading back some "comedy" writing you did when you were about 11, thinking you were funny.

But I have found something more painful. Disturbingly painful.

It's when you read something you wrote when you were 11, and it's funnier than anything you write now:

"I'm gonna give Michael a piece of my mind!"
"Be careful, you don't have much to spare"

That is a brilliant line. If I came up with that now I'd take the rest of the day off.

Bored?

I hate the word bored.

Are you bored?

Well go fucking do something then, there is a world of infinite wonder and fascination out there, I honestly don't know how you find the time to be bored. Read a book. There's loads of them. You might learn something.

Learn a language. Listen to an album by a band you'd never heard of before. Bake a cake. Learn about the Zimbabwean political system. Write a poem. Sing in the club style. Cure cancer.

But for God's sake don't be bored.
Being "bored" is such a boring emotional state, not just for you for everyone you bore by telling them you're bored. Saying "I'm bored" infects other people, and makes them think they're bored. And it's self defeating.

The bored are the boring.

Doctor Who, and what I think

Doctor Who's season has just finished. The whole of the last series has been, for me, a highlight in television this year, and a massive improvement on the seasons written by Russell T Davies. I thought that the villains, The Silence were well designed and menacing, and the use of foreshadowing was brilliant.

But it seems there is some debate among Who "fans" as to whether this is correct. And please note I speech-mark fans quite intentionally. Complaints have arisen over the complexity of the narrative, and the fact that the story-arch continued each week, making it difficult for "casual viewers" to hop in and hop out at their leisure.

Doctor Who should be something for everyone to enjoy, they say; a children's show that parents can sit down and watch. But that is where I think they are wrong. See, maybe in its original incarnation Doctor Who was a children's show that adults could derive some pleasure out of, but now those children have grown up and still love Doctor Who, and there is a whole generation of young adults who like Who too. These days Doctor Who is an adult show which children can derive some interest in.

And as for the concept of hopping in and hopping out of the series on a whim:
they might say: "I like to be able to sit down and just enjoy a one off episode for what it is. I don't want the complexity of a story arch which I don't understand".
But this is just lunacy.

You don't pick up a book and read the 4th, 7th and 9th chapter, and then expect the final chapter to make sense. Why would you expect it from Doctor Who? And more to the point why did you just read the 4th, 6th and 9th chapters in the first fucking place. It's not actually that hard to sit down and watch the fucking TV.

Perhaps you'd prefer a return to the past? Perhaps you'd like to be able to simply sit down on the occasional Saturday night and enjoy 45 minutes of excellent, self-contained entertainment. Well, you cant. It would be impossible for even an exceptionally talented writer to pull off, unless you were also looking for Teletubby-like simplicity in the plots and character development. In fact you probably are looking for that level of simplicity, so undoubtedly our argument can only end here.