I was at home and the land line phone rang.
No, gentle readers, I am not referring to an event from 1996, I'm referring to a couple of days ago in the technologically mighty haven-age of 2012. The land line! As I live and breath.
I dusted off the old boy and once I'd remembered that the home phone doesn't have a touch screen and I'd have to press buttons to make it work, I went ahead and pushed some buttons.
"Hello?" I said, slightly nervous, as on the land line, it doesn't tell you who's ringing. It could be any fucker. It could be Queen Elizabeth II. It wasn't (which was both a relief and a disappointment). It was a man. It was:
"Paul, from Windows Technical Support"
"Well, what a treat!" I thought to myself "a personal call from Windows Technical Support, and I haven't even requested any Windows Technical Support"
A cold call. Just in case I was having problems. Briefly, my day had been made. This, of course, made me suddenly vehemently angry. How dare anyone suggested that Apple is better than Microsoft. Do Apple cold call their customers just to make they're OK? I think not.
But then my quick, enquiring wit took hold. And, readers, I presented myself with an inconsistency in the argument (the argument that his name was Paul and that he was from Windows Technical Support).
You see Paul had a thick Indian accent. And by a 'thick Indian accent' I don't mean that he sounded like a mentally-slow Indian. I meant a 'strong Indian accent'. Thinking about it, I could easily have replaced the original 'thick Indian accent' with 'strong Indian accent' when I realised the ambiguity and carried on without this pointless, lengthy interjection. But in maths exams they make you show your working out, don't they. Well, that's just what I'm doing: showing you my linguistic workings.
Despite my suspicions, I continued the call, remembering the potential kindness. Paul told me that:
"Your computer is receiving a numbers of error messages which have been caused by viruses that you have downloaded"
Well now, this is interesting. My computer is fairly well protected with anti-virus software and firewalls. I don't do illegal downloads, or torrent anything, or stream from shady websites. But then again, of course that doesn't mean I don't have a virus... I'm not really that up on the complexities of computer issues.
I did come up with a slight flaw in the argument, however:
"There are 4 computers in my house," I said "which one has the virus?" a bit of an issue, but nothing that Paul couldn't sort out by giving me the make and model.
"That would be the main computer you are using, sir" said Paul. I searched diligently on all four computers, but I couldn't find anywhere the make and model number given as "the main computer". Disappointed that he had merely been referring to a 'main computer' in the most basic sense, I returned to Paul.
"Well," I said "there isn't really a main computer, 3 out of the 4 get used very regularly, so I'm going to need some more information"
"It is the main computer, sir" Paul said "the one that you use most for the internet"
Now, I'm no internet-Jonathan Creek, but I can deduce a thing or two. If Paul had been calling from Windows Technical Support, I feel sure he would have come equipped with facts to prove his and his company's veracity.
Well, that's what I'd do anyway.
Deciding that the nearest computer to my proximity would do for a make-shift 'main computer'. I sat down and following some of Paul's slow and phonetically spelled instructions.
What he wanted me to do, was to open Run, and using Run, run Event Viewer. Usefully, he took his time spelling out the words. This gave me the opportunity to type "Event Viewer" into Google (in the hope of finding out exactly what was going to happen). I'd gotten to around the second 'e' in 'viewer' when Google suggestions helpfully suggested "Event viewer scam" which I clicked on and found a website (much like this blog, except without the psuedo-impressed introdution and land line shtick) informing me that Paul was indeed a scammer from India hoping to take remote control of my computer and download a fraud anti-virus software, leaving my bank account $185 lighter.
Well, I was thoroughly disappointed in Paul. For my own amusement, when Paul showed me the list of "errors caused by the virus" (actually just common issues that a standard computer experiences every day), I feigned dramatic fear and confusion.
I then made him phonetically spell a few more things.
Soon it got down to the dirty business of him trying to defraud me out of money. And I mean, I'm game for a laugh, but Paul's attitude began to annoy me at this point, so I told him I knew who he was and that he was trying to scam me and ended the call.
