101 things not to do... 16 to 20

16. Don't dazzle a crowd with your dancing skills

If you know how to dance, or know anyone who does, please feel free to fuck off.

17. Don't lose your virginity


A kind of fabled teenage experience these days. If 1980s horror movies teach us anything, it's that losing your virginity has a direct correlation with being murdered by a murderer.

OK so I'll admit at some point you'll probably have to. And if your sexual experience is good then it will probably seem like a positive step. But it's not. What is they say about your heroes? Never meet them, because they'll never live up to your expectations. Just develop a decent imagination and you'll be fine.

18. Don't read 'A Clockwork Orange'

Overrated as hell. Try reading a book that can create a sense of being in another world without having to create a new language.

19. Don't read the complete works of William Shakespeare

I'm actually using William Shakespeare as an example here, rather than exactly what I mean. William Shakespeare's works (which I have not read, in fact I've only ever 'done' Shakespeare, and that was a while back, at school). But I feel that quite often, people try to bite off more than they can chew, especially with regard to reading.

I know someone at university who told me that he didn't read very much, but had decided that he wanted to read "all the classics". I asked him where he was going to start and he told me Finnegans Wake by James Joyce. Now, I've tried reading Finnegans Wake a couple of times and I can't get into it (maybe I was just too young or not advanced enough as a reader) but I can tell you that it's a dense, complex and, to my younger mind, borderline unreadable.

All I'm saying is, don't try to run a marathon just after you've taken your first baby steps (in fact, outside of this analogy, don't run a marathon ever, see point 1.)

20. Don't go to a music festival

Usually high on everyone's to-do list is to go to a music festival at least once. But no, don't. By all means go watch a band live. But by no means go and setup a tent around a bunch of other wankers in a tent to listen to a weekend long gig mostly featuring bands you dont like very much.

People talk of music festival as being a 'rite of passage', I would suggest it is more of a 'right cockfest'. The ratio of wankers to cool people is disastrous. It's cold. You queue up in the rain for fucking ages. The toilets are reminiscent of lawless slums in the third world.

So if you're thinking of Reading this year, try reading instead. Just not Shakespeare or A Clockwork Orange. Thanks.