Bikes, and how they are more important than people.

People who ride a bike must feel pretty good about themselves.

They are saving the environment by avoiding travelling in a horrible car, polluting the Earth. And they are staying in shape too, getting rid of the visual pollution of unsightly flab.

A form of athletic altruism, you might even say?

So, riding a bike is, in theory, a very good thing.

Okay, so, it's a horrible day out there, so I was already in a bad mood. So you'll forgive me if the following rant about cyclists is grossly unfair.

But, you see, there is a situation when riding a bike can be extremely selfish. The situation I am referring to is when someone takes a bike on a train.

Because to take a bike on the train you have to have made an assumption. And the assumption is that everyone else isn't going to bring a bike. Because I promise you, if we did, there wouldn't be enough room.

A bike takes up the standing space of two people, and yet a cyclist doesn't have to pay extra. Selfishly, they have assumed that it is more important for their journey to have a cycle, than it is for the potential of two other people to stand comfortably.

Therefore, I propose that from today (why waste time?) it be necessary to buy a Bike Ticket for the train in addition to the standard ticket you buy. It could maybe cost half the price of a normal ticket (and here, I think you'll agree, I'm being very generous) and any cyclist found not to have one would receive an immediate on-the-spot fine of: execution.

I have spoken.

Trains, and where you must not sit.

So, now that I have work to go to every morning I have to ride the train. I get the same train everyday, it leaves Southwick at 9:37 and arrives at Hove at 9:44. Some of the people who get on at Southwick I see virtually every morning. It hasn't got to that stage yet where I could say "morning" and they'd recognise me though. They fairly often have papers or magazines to read. I invariably leave my issue of Kerrang at home and only have them to look at.

I get on my train, which is always the same level of fairly-busy. Now, here is an observation about English people. It's something that has been made many times before, but the point is that it's not just a cliché: it genuinely happens. We really do not like invading personal space.

As we noted weeks back with the male toilets, the train also appears to have this unwritten social rule about where you are allowed to sit down.

Arranged into rows of two seats on each side, there is also a couple of "table" seats in each carriage.
The table seats are the most highly prised commodity, even if you don't need a table remotely, you go and sit there if it's free.

If a table isn't free, then a free set of two is your best bet. If they are taken (and by taken I mean one person is sitting in the window seat: that constitutes both seats being taken) then you must sit on a table but at the furthest possible point away from the person who has already occupied the table. If they're facing forwards sitting on the window seat, you must sit facing backwards in the aisle seat.

After that it's better to stand than to encroach people's personal space.
No-one will complain or even give you a funny look if you sit down in the adjacent seat.
But inside you are dead to them. Dead.