I stood at my nans funeral, and I was trying quite hard not to cry.
For a long time it had felt surreal. I don't think I quite knew how to act.
A funeral shouldn't really be a time for self-analysis I don't think, but nevertheless standing there in the cold it wasn't myself that I was sad for, and if I tell the truth it wasn't my nan.
I was watching my grandad. And that's what got me.

I was fairly conscious that during the week since my nan passing away I was finding it tough to be around my grandad. And not because I didn't want to be there and support him and care, because I absolutely care.
I find it tough, I think, because I feel more sad for him than I do for me. That's what makes me cry.

I don't know why, and I don't know how I feel about it.
Sorry, I'll try to be a little more upbeat next time!

My two opinions.

I haven't blogged for a while. Again.


Blogspot is disabled at work so I can't blog on the little breaks that I get.

Instead, I have decided, I shall write out my posts at work, email them to myself and post them later, perhaps taking care to edit my erstwhile thoughts.



So, here's the one for today.
There's that kid, Edward Woollard. You've seen/heard about him. He was sentenced to over two and a half years in prison for throwing a fire extinguisher off the top of the Tory headquarters during the big student protest.
My own internal opinion is actually fairly divided on this one, I haven't made up my mind yet. But invariably I fall into two types of thought depending on the time of day:
1) This kid did something inherantly wrong. No matter which way you look at it, you have to be a thoughtless individual to throw a fire extinguisher off the top of a building and not give a fuck about the consequences (be they your own legal ones, or just the immediate ones of what happens when a fire extinguisher hits someone's skull at that speed). Yes, he is young and inexperienced, but come on, he's knew better than that. He knew what he was doing and he got caught, and there are thousands of kids (and older people) who are just as thoughtless.

What we need is a society where people actually care about other people, and no matter the circumstances you cannot throw something from a building that has the possibility of killing someone, and not be severely punished.
2) You're talking about an 18-year-old who got caught up in a single moment. We've all done stupid things we can't explain. It was his first trip to London on his own. It was his first student protest. He had no idea what he was getting into. It was probably a very surreal experience, and in that state of mind people do stupid things. He proves it.

So now we punish him horrendously for being a human being. We give him a more severe punishment than some drunk drivers have gotten for killing people. That's the message that has been sent out. Killing someone isn't as bad as endangering someone.

The judge "made an example" out of him, but these are incredably specific circumstances and very rare. Most people wouldn't throw a fire extinguisher off a roof, no matter the circumstances, and anyone who is in the state of mind to do something really stupid like that aren't going to first think "ooh yeah, but that kid got 2 years in prison for throwing a fire extinguisher off a roof, better not complete this act of mindless stupidity".

That's the point. It was a thoughtless act. He didn't think, and he should be punished for not thinking. But to punish someone that young and that severely in those circumstances...

Perhaps instead of investing money in sentencing kids to jail sentences for thoughless act, maybe we should pump money into education so that everyone thinks a little bit more about the consequences of their actions.

What would you do?

OK so, what would you do if you could have what you wanted... but only for a little bit. A very little bit.
Because then it goes away with no real explanation (even though you can make an educated guess).
Do you take it, and enjoy it for the moment you have it? Even knowing that it is going?
What would you do?
I know what I'd do. I know what I do.

I try not to blog too late into the night, especially at times when I should definitely be asleep by. I have a habit of making unsustainable grandoise statements that serve only for future embarassment.

Bear with me, this is going to be a blog of deviant tangents.

It's weird how I think of how I have changed over the last few years, fueled mainly by my experiences at university.

It's actually pretty difficult for me to talk about what I was like before that. I don't know if it's a common experience for people, but before maybe the second and third years at university I wasn't very self aware.

Like I used to wear stupid clothes, and I had silly long hair that makes me cringe now and these days I try to come up with a rational explanation for it. But the actual truth of it was that at the time I just didn't care what people thought. Like I was shy and introverted, but I wasn't bothered if people thought something made me look fat or wasn't in fashion and I wasn't bothered if people thought I was boring or that I wasn't clever.

And as much as I try to say I still don't, I now do completely care. It may not look like it, or seem like it, but I always thinking about what people think of me.

In effect a lot of the time I'm trying to second guess people, or think about what I think people are going to think.

That definitely makes sense... in my head it makes sense. But then, it is late... I mentioned this earlier.

I worry about what people think. The reality, I am fairly sure, is that people aren't thinking very much, but I don't know if indifference is preferable. I don't think I should be happy with indifference.

I don't even know what the point I'm trying to make is.

I don't think there is a point.

Just another piece of nothing.

Goodnight.

Bookgun

The excellent work of http://www.bookgun.com/

Artist Robert The created this, and a number of other pieces with the same. I think this one is the best, and conveys a very powerful message.

Resolutions.

See, about 5 months ago my list of resolutions would have been fairly simple:

1. Read more.
2. Play basketball more.
3. Get a job.
4. Drink less.
5. Eat less.
6. Listen to more (a greater variety) music.

But I've actually managed to achieve all of those things. 5 has been ruined a bit by Christmas, but it'll get back to normal soon enough. So, now I'm stuck with the task of thinking of new resolutions.

Right:

1. Stick to those 6 resolutions I mentioned above.
2. Finish my novel properly (you'll notice I have made a concerted effort not to do a Brian Griffin and constantly mention my novel)
3. Write and record something with my band.

That'll do for now, I have a wish list, but I don't think it's worth publishing, most of it is childish superficial desire.

2010.

So it's New Years Day. Welcome to 2011.

Nothing better, of course, than looking back at the past, to learn from our mistakes and what not. So, how was 2010 for me.

I think, all things considered,  2010 was a pretty good year for me.

Certainly there were moments, days perhaps, that made me as happy as I have ever been in my life. (By the way, there is a pretty brilliant short story on the subject of happiness by Michel Faber called "Vanilla Bright Like Eminem"). Equally, there have been some not so happy times, but in general, I think I'm past the volatile stage of self-hatred, I'll tell you about it sometime when I'm a bit braver.

I graduated with an upper second class honours degree.
I got a job, a proper job, that I enjoy doing.
I got a car.
My personal life has been confusing, to say the least. But not unrewarding.

The very end of the year has been a bit of a dampener on things, but we live on.

I have high hopes for 2011, although I feel somewhat pessimistic also.

Well... that was boring eh.