101 things not to do... 11 to 15

11. Don't have a website

The internet, as I will explain in a future post, is the scourge of modern society. Worse even than television (and I fucking hate television). It has defeated the concept of being intelligent. It has ruined social interaction. It has turned us into greedy, selfish people obsessed with our own perceived sense of entitlement.

12. Don't contradict yourself

There is nothing less attractive in a personality than to be a hypocrite. Have a bit of moral courage. Do feel free, however, to point out any contradictions that I might be a part of. If I have one aim in life these days, it's to get my ideology nailed down so I can decide exactly what I believe. That way my conversations can be even more didactic than they are presently.

13. Don't learn to juggle

Just don't.

14. Don't get a tattoo

Getting a tattoo is another classic way of expressing your individually just like everybody else is. Engrave onto your skin something that seems relevant at the time, and it's like putting on a necklace that you'll have to wear forever despite the fact that its gaudy and repulsive and makes you look like a 'rebellious' 14-year-old.

Again I know that some people who have the capacity, or indeed are likely to read this, have tattoos. I'm not presumptuous enough to believe that my hating tattoos and directing those comments at you will provoke anything more than mild laughter and disappointment that I don't empathise without your outlook on life. But if you are offended, please feel free to get a tattoo about how much you hate me. If nothing else at least it will be original.

15. Don't cheat

I've actually got two points to make here. Because when I said, don't cheat, a second ago, I meant it as in terms of not cheating at sports/tests etc. But I feel I should also say something about cheating in a relationship: fucking someone else, if you will.

OK so a little while back I was forced by circumstance to read one of those women's magazines they have now. Yeah you've seen 'em. And it laying out some statistics about men. And this particular statistic said "50% of men say they would never consider cheating on their girlfriend".

Let's think about that. Think of two men who you know. It doesn't matter who. That sentence means that statistically one of those two men you just thought of, is a full-on cunt. They would happily consider shitting all over the feelings of someone who they care about and who cares about them, just so they can get a little bit sex with someone new. That is a definition of selfishness.

Now onto the other type of cheating. I watch football. And I get annoyed when players dive or feign injury. I know a lot of people do. But I think that the punishment for cheating isn't nearly high enough. In cases where players deliberately fall over in order to win a penalty I would advocate the death penalty.

I've been frivolous now and suggested something hideous which undermines my point so let me try and reel it back in. Cheating is just pathetic. Certainly not limited to professional sports, I hate cheating wherever I see it. It's not fair that some people have to work hard and other people take the easy route. They should be ashamed.