Why I don't have a girlfriend

OK, so I haven't had a girlfriend for three years.

There is primarily one very good reason for that, which, confusingly, I'm not going to discuss. Instead I'm going to skirt around the edges, clawing at a number of equally valid, but less consequentially important reasons. Anyone who really knows me will already know anyway. And to be honest, it would be boring describing it, for you. And me. And probably emotionally destructive for me. And you.

I mean, this whole post will be dull anyway, because it's just going to be about me, and the dull things I think about my dull life. There will be no cutting insight into the human consciousness, no probing truisms and no material you will ever be able to plunder and use in a Michael McIntyre-esque observational comedy routine.

Good luck.

OK, so we start again: I haven't had a girlfriend for three years. My last relationship, and only ever proper relationship, was fairly long term, but was destined, we both agree, to failure. In fact people occasionally site this ex-girlfriend as a reason why I might not have moved on.

I can categorically state now that I moved on immediately as the relationship ended. I just got stuck elsewhere.

I think fundamentally I don't really need a relationship. I'm OK on my own. I don't really get lonely. I occupy my own time pretty well. And I have good friends. So I've never really pushed myself really hard to try to get a girlfriend. There have been opportunities, certainly, some which I wish had gone somewhere, others which I am glad I never followed through. But for the moment I'm doing alright alone.

But surely there is more to it than just "I can get by without a girlfriend". The reasons run deeper.

First of all, I'm not really too well versed on the mechanics of acquiring a girlfriend (you would probably be able to work that out by simply reading that sentence). Your options appear to be limited fairly strictly:

1) Go out to a club. Pull a girl. Exchange phone numbers. Stay in contact through a series of flirty and then eventually explicit text messages. Have sex. Play mini-golf. Have a meal out somewhere. Job done. Easy.

Of course, it isn't easy. Let's just say I'm pretty much lethally allergic to embarrassment, and "going into a club and pulling a girl" is tantamount to an embarrassment minefield, complete with rejection barb wire and volleys of humilation machine gun fire raining down upon you.

Even on a good day, a confident day, I would struggle to approach a stranger and engage them in a pleasant way. Let alone to the point at which I would supplicate extreme proximity to their person, and introduce the concept of sloppily pressing my mouth against their erogenous zones.

But it's not only the potential embarrassment of failure; it's also the suffocatingly low chances of success. When I walk into a club, I am consistently made aware, that in the terms of the room I am unlikely to be considered attractive. I'm not trying to put a downer on myself, but it just stands to reason that clubs generally attract the youthful and sociable, and both traits are talismans (talismen?) for attractiveness.

So realistically I'm unlikely to be in the top 50% of attractive men at any given club. Probably lower still. I don't blame them. If I was a woman I wouldn't find me attractive either. There are always going to be better options, physically at least.

Now, that doesn't need to matter, because attractiveness isn't everything, and I have occasional confidence in my own personality to win people over. Unfortunately clubs don't really facilitate imposing your personality on someone. You effectively have one method at your disposal to show the people around you what kind of guy you are: dancing. You could try shouting into people's ears, but it isn't much good. I tend to play dancing for laughs, with elaborate and eccentrics moves not befitting my personal appearance and level of skill. It has been found amusing occasionally (I worry sometimes that people only find it funny to save me the embarrassment, of me dancing stupidly and people not finding it funny). But dancing is not a high point for me. To get with someone you need to have an air of mystery, so I guess I'm going the wrong way about it.

No. Clubs just don't work for me.

2) So, clubs are a no-no. Girlfriend option number 2: a friend of a friend. I've lost count of the number of times that relationships I have asked the origins of, have arisen from mutual friends.

See with mutual friends you get the best of both worlds. You get the mystery of someone you don't know, without the fear that they are an utter wanker, seeking out only the spoils of your soft genitals.

Unfortunately the problem now is that my friendship group is small and close-knit. The larger friendship group I previously owned has been largely fragmented, predominantly due to relationships and the fact that we spent our latter teen years getting with each other every week.

Perhaps there is potential around. But it hasn't happened yet.

3) As an offshoot to option 2. Perhaps I should mention friends.

Even if we disregard the complexities of getting with friends, my friends already have the advantage of knowing what a miserable twat I am. Beneath a mildly affable and friendly surface, my identity is a junkyard of grammar pedantry, soul-crushingly ruthless self hatred  and misplaced relevance to lyrics by Brand New. They know the kind of person I am.

So as beautiful and wonderful as all my friends are, they are all not options.

4) So, what about work then? So what if I told you I work in a department, that, from Monday, will be exclusively female + me. How does a charming [sic], handsome [sic] man such as myself not possibly acquire a girlfriend?

Well, fortunately from them, they are all either in relationships or contravene point number 3.

5) Hobbies, then. Surely I have some hobbies which cold facilitate female interaction, and then consequently vigorous sexual dynamism.

I play basketball, predominantly with men, it must be said, but women do come along occasionally. I don't really think that sport is the way to romance, however, but I've been wrong before.

I like reading, which traditionally is enjoyed best as a lone activity.

I play in a band, which suggests the notion of groupies. But in reality sustains only mild enthusiasm from close friends and family members.

So there we have it. I have exhausted all the options for getting a girlfriend and have failed. There is no longer the need to ask me why I don't have one.