Ready to be bored?

I have decided, I am a phenomenally jealous person.
Not in the sense that if I had a girlfriend I would be reaching for a chainsaw everytime another man put a hand on her shoudler. In that sense of "jealous" I am fairly similar to other people, I think, a bit of imaginery chainsaw, perhaps.

But there is another form of jealousy, a much more subtle form, and one I do very well, quietly seething with rage.

Firstly before I get onto the jealousy thing you should know, I hate being wrong. I hate that feeling of saying something or doing something and it being wrong or inappropriate. Becuase it's no-ones fault but my own, there literally nothing/no-one I can blame it on, and I react pretty badly to it.
Maybe it could even be a phobia. I am afraid of being wrong. It's probably why I keep quiet a lot of the time unless I'm around people that I can sort of play off being wrong. Being wrong in front of strangers is the worst, because that's all they have to judge you on.

I think this had affected my view of things, and can be attributed to why I am as jealous as I am. I am fairly convinced that there are some bands that I dislike purely on the basis that someone else liked them first. I know this is an absurd idea, and when looked at practically falls down almost immediately, and certainly it doesn't happen all the time, but it definitely has happened. It's like a jealousy that someone got there before me.

I don't tend to get jealous of things that people that I can do that I cant, but I definitely get jealous of people who can do the things that I feel I'm best at better than I can. I'd imagine that is a fairly common jealously, I mean no-one likes realising that their not as good at something as someone else. You get drawn into a sea of endless comparison, and comparisons don't tend to end well for me.

In the same way, I don't mind people being more intelligent than I am, or funnier, or wittier. But it returns back to the "being wrong" dilemma. People can be as clever as like, as long as they leave a bit of room for me to be cleverer than them regarding *something*. Unfortunately I have a sort of "Wikipedia-first-paragraph" level of knowledge, about a lot of things, and I like to pretend I know more than that.
Well I used to pretend! That's kind of the point of this blog. I don't want to be that jealous/insecure, I make efforts not to be, I bring it up here to show you and to me that I am fully aware of its existance, and I'm doing my best to do something about it.

As a last point, that's one of the worst possible ways of being wrong.
Being wrong, and not realising you're being wrong. That's slightly a paradox, I'll admit. But the point is, I don't mind if someone calls me pretencious, 'cos I'm sort of aware that it's a fault in my personality (again, something I am consciously not particularly happen with), it's much worse if someone calls me something that I didn't realise I was, and then when I look back it, I kinda realise, that's exactly what I was.

In closing. This blog has become a sounding board for my insecurity, nothing else.