6. Don't try being a vegetarian
Possibly a controversial as I know a few people who are vegetarians. In the main part they are kind people. But I always think that vegetarianism is a kind of misplaced kindess (I'm making the assumption here that people are vegetarians for ideological reasons rather than health/taste-bud issues). But being a vegetarian sounds like a positive thing for a kind, rational thinking person to be. But if you are going to go down that route, you have to be a vegan.
I can respect the ideological integrity and consistantcy of vegans. They know that animals shouldn't be used to do the bidding of humans. Vegetarians on the other hand, are simply avoiding the issue. They don't want to eat dead lamb because it's cruel. But they are completely fine with enslaving chickens to have a life where they simply make eggs to be stolen from them by farmers. They are completely fine with taking away baby cows from their mothers and forcing those mother cows to lactate until the end of their days.
Vegetarians can fuck off. It's vegan or nothing. And I am nothing.
7. Don't learn to play the guitar
This is another issue that everyone does it. I did it. But I did it before it was cool. I did it when it thoroughly wasn't cool. Not long after I got into we had a generation of former-chav indie kids picking up their guitars to write a musical crusade of endlessly dull pop songs about going out and getting drunk, all in laconic and styleless verse.
These days I just would recommend anything else simply because if you can be a decent bassist, keyboard player, drummer etc. then you'll have a plethora of talented guitarists to pick from when the inevitable happens and you attempt to form a band.
8. Don't ever watch any TV, ever
I hate television. I've explained before. I think our culture is infinitely worse for what television has done to us. Books are a rich and enlightening form of entertainment. You learn things from books; either facts or just things about yourself.
Television allows you to sit there mindlessly for hours without learning a single fact or discovering anything interesting that you couldn't already have guessed.
9. Don't swim with dolphins
Right, the only reason anyone likes fucking dolphins is because they look like they are constantly smiling. Male dolphins are known, during the mating season, to gang up together and pick off a female dolphin and basically beat her up, and then once she too tired to run away anymore they all get to mate with her.
Dolphins are just scumbag rapists. Don't go swimming with them. Lock them up with some great white sharks.
10. Don't go skydiving
People talk about it as if it's some fabled brave thing to do. Right, you know that you've got a parachute strapped to your back and a back-up parachute? And you'll have instructors who've been doing it for years. How many skydiving accidents do you really ever hear of? There's nothing brave about skydiving.
Overcome a real fear. Or do something that's genuinely amazing. Don't just let yourself drop for 10,000 feet. Gravity is one of the most important aspects of the universe. You'd think people would have gotten over the novelty of it by now.
Wednesday, 18 April 2012
Monday, 16 April 2012
101 things not to do... 1 to 5.
1. Don't visit Paris
Everyone bloody does it! Can't the romantic impulse in us extend to something more than the old cliche? Visiting Paris is the least romantic thing I can imagine because it means you've thought SO LITTLE about your partner, that the best idea you've got is to take them to Paris.
2. Don't run a marathon
I can't think of a more unbelievable waste of your time. If you like running, then go running, but to run for hours? No. Do something productive in that time. Write a book or something.
3. Don't write a book
To paraphrase Christopher Hitchens: everyone has a book in them, in most cases, that's where it should stay. IF you are a genius with a fantastic story to tell laced with wit and ambitious prose, then please go ahead. If you've just been laid off by Tesco and your reading experience is exactly: 4 of the Harry Potter novels, the Twilight series, and the sport section of The Sun every morning, then please, PLEASE do not write a book.
4. Don't climb Mount Everest
Every year about 10 people die trying to climb the fabled mountain. You're fat. Don't do it. Don't become a statistic.
5. Don't learn a language
Try mastering your own instead. This one goes out to anyone who says "bored of" or pronounces H "haitch". It's "aitch" you motherfuckers, AITCH.
Everyone bloody does it! Can't the romantic impulse in us extend to something more than the old cliche? Visiting Paris is the least romantic thing I can imagine because it means you've thought SO LITTLE about your partner, that the best idea you've got is to take them to Paris.
2. Don't run a marathon
I can't think of a more unbelievable waste of your time. If you like running, then go running, but to run for hours? No. Do something productive in that time. Write a book or something.
3. Don't write a book
To paraphrase Christopher Hitchens: everyone has a book in them, in most cases, that's where it should stay. IF you are a genius with a fantastic story to tell laced with wit and ambitious prose, then please go ahead. If you've just been laid off by Tesco and your reading experience is exactly: 4 of the Harry Potter novels, the Twilight series, and the sport section of The Sun every morning, then please, PLEASE do not write a book.
4. Don't climb Mount Everest
Every year about 10 people die trying to climb the fabled mountain. You're fat. Don't do it. Don't become a statistic.
5. Don't learn a language
Try mastering your own instead. This one goes out to anyone who says "bored of" or pronounces H "haitch". It's "aitch" you motherfuckers, AITCH.
1. Don't write a 101 item list
Under no circumstances ever write a 101 item list telling people what they should be doing with their lives...
101 things NOT to do before you die
Life-affirming motivational people are such incandescent bores. I see so many lists of top 100 novels you should read, or top 100 cities you should visit, or things you should do, or albums you should listen to and blah blah blah blah blah.
No.
I want a dose grumpy pessimism on the subject. Live your own life. Don't do a load of things that other people thought was good.
I will be compiling a list of 101 things that I will not do before I die.
No.
I want a dose grumpy pessimism on the subject. Live your own life. Don't do a load of things that other people thought was good.
I will be compiling a list of 101 things that I will not do before I die.
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
How my personality changed.
When I was about 21, I went through a kind of retroactive upheaval of my personality and beliefs.
Through university I had been a heavy-drinking, lazy, Top-Gear-aficionado, Jeremy Clarkson-loving, liberal, computing gaming, proponent of the illegitimacy of the Iraq Wars, agnostic, opponent of climate change, Guardian-reading, arrogant twat. I realise how contradictory many of these positions are now, but at the time, I would have had a clue. Thanks to the arrogance, and my general ability to have an answer for everything, I would have put forward a case for my own wonderful intelligence, and in my mind I would probably have won the argument.
My re-education (and more generally, education, if you prefer) came primarily from three things.
I believe the first was that on one of my many viewings of the TV channel Dave I watched the first episode of the first series of Stewart Lee's TV series Comedy Vehicle. I had read an article on Stewart Lee by the Daily Mail (this is how brilliant a critical thinker I was) and even though I knew the Daily Mail was a pile of crackpot lies and insanity designed to make people angry at things, I nevertheless got angry with Stewart Lee.
The article said Stewart Lee had insulted Richard Hammond, and had wished he had died in the car accident and that he had brain damage. At the time, I was shocked and appalled (exactly as the Mail wanted me to be) and I took a strong dislike to Lee, in defence of Hammond. Fortunately, I never said it aloud, or displayed my hatred for Stewart Lee in public, otherwise people would have proof that I am a stupid hypocrite.
I'm not sure why I watched it, I think maybe it was to be able to say "yeah, that Stewart Lee, he's not even funny, I watched his TV show and it's shit" just so I could defend Richard Hammond. But I watched the first episode of Comedy Vehicle.
My mind was blown. Up until that point I hadn't realised comedy could actually be intelligent. The first joke is "If you only ever read one book in your life, I highly recommend you keep your mouth shut". It's brilliant. It draws you in with the cliche, and then the punchline zings makes you realise what a fool you've been.
(I later found out that Lee actually bought this joke from Simon Munnery for £1, and although I was slightly surprised to find out that the joke that drew me into Stewart Lee isn't actually his, I realise that it is effectively a witty one-liner of the kind that Lee can't, or doesn't want to, write, but nevertheless it sums up exactly what he is like a performer; that joke is his show in microcosm).
I got into Stewart Lee, and he made me realise a lot of the ridiculousness of the right-wing politics. I had always described myself as liberal or left-wing (not realising that there was a difference between those two things) but I still had some level of right-wing ideology thanks to Top Gear etc. But now that right-wing sentiment in me had been destroyed.
Now we move to the second factor in the change in my personality. I attended a lecture by The Plashing Vole. He went by a different name, of course. And I was slightly fearful of him. He seemed to go on about poetry quite a lot and had a slightly intimidating air of knowledge that I knew I couldn't match. I wouldn't have avoided courses run by him, but I certainly viewed the lectures he ran with trepidation.
He had also been angry once when people hadn't turned up to a seminar, of which I was guilty. So perhaps that had something to do with it too.
Well, this lecture was just brilliant. Fascinating and engrossing. I am a strident note-taker. Over-enthusiastic, some might say. But that whole lecture I just sat, listening, learning. The lecture was on some aspect of media and also went into how the banking crisis had happened and why. (I don't really know why I did media at university as the second part of my joint degree. I am an English major, through and through, and I should have known that, nevertheless, that lecture was one of the single best learning experiences of my life).
The third event was Christopher Hitchens, and I'd say that at this point, Hitch has defined the new aspects of my personality more than anything else.
I had been aware of him, and was a great admirer of his atheist stance. I'd watched videos of him explaining why women aren't funny, and read a couple of articles. But fundamentally I didn't know much about Hitch aside from the fact that has was a very sensible atheist with some very obscure views, including hatred of Mother Theresa and support for the war in Iraq.
I considered him a sort of enigmatic figure, a main course of genius with an order of insanity on the side. It was only very close to his death that I began to realise just how brilliant he actually was.
His support for the war in Iraq, for example (which by the way, is something I completely subscribe to now: it was the right decision taken for the wrong reasons) is something that makes him an easy target.
But when you examine his reasons you begin to see how much of the liberal west got caught up in its own fantasy, and how many people's knowledge of the situation really does not go any further than:
1) It was all Bush's idea
2) It was a war for oil
3) The West started the problems in the Middle East with our foreign policy
If you believe those three things, I strongly recommend you read and listen to Christopher Hitchens, or better yet, get a decent grounding of understanding in the political history of the Middle East.
But I digress.
Part of the problem with Hitch, is that he is such an inspired and brilliant rhetorician but also so unbelievably erudite and intelligent, that it would be easy to do two things:
1) Misunderstand him
2) Take every word he says verbatim without applying any critical logic to it
(something that I see quite regularly away from Hitch with many of my friends or whatever you call some of the people on Facebook who believe themselves to be free-thinkers because they read a couple of Guardian articles a week and take everything Charlie Brooker says as the gospel - pun intended)
What I've learned from Vole, and Hitch especially is that most important thing you should do is mentally challenge everything you hear, read or think. I knew it before. But I absolutely solely believe it is the most important part of your life now.
Through university I had been a heavy-drinking, lazy, Top-Gear-aficionado, Jeremy Clarkson-loving, liberal, computing gaming, proponent of the illegitimacy of the Iraq Wars, agnostic, opponent of climate change, Guardian-reading, arrogant twat. I realise how contradictory many of these positions are now, but at the time, I would have had a clue. Thanks to the arrogance, and my general ability to have an answer for everything, I would have put forward a case for my own wonderful intelligence, and in my mind I would probably have won the argument.
My re-education (and more generally, education, if you prefer) came primarily from three things.
I believe the first was that on one of my many viewings of the TV channel Dave I watched the first episode of the first series of Stewart Lee's TV series Comedy Vehicle. I had read an article on Stewart Lee by the Daily Mail (this is how brilliant a critical thinker I was) and even though I knew the Daily Mail was a pile of crackpot lies and insanity designed to make people angry at things, I nevertheless got angry with Stewart Lee.
The article said Stewart Lee had insulted Richard Hammond, and had wished he had died in the car accident and that he had brain damage. At the time, I was shocked and appalled (exactly as the Mail wanted me to be) and I took a strong dislike to Lee, in defence of Hammond. Fortunately, I never said it aloud, or displayed my hatred for Stewart Lee in public, otherwise people would have proof that I am a stupid hypocrite.
I'm not sure why I watched it, I think maybe it was to be able to say "yeah, that Stewart Lee, he's not even funny, I watched his TV show and it's shit" just so I could defend Richard Hammond. But I watched the first episode of Comedy Vehicle.
My mind was blown. Up until that point I hadn't realised comedy could actually be intelligent. The first joke is "If you only ever read one book in your life, I highly recommend you keep your mouth shut". It's brilliant. It draws you in with the cliche, and then the punchline zings makes you realise what a fool you've been.
(I later found out that Lee actually bought this joke from Simon Munnery for £1, and although I was slightly surprised to find out that the joke that drew me into Stewart Lee isn't actually his, I realise that it is effectively a witty one-liner of the kind that Lee can't, or doesn't want to, write, but nevertheless it sums up exactly what he is like a performer; that joke is his show in microcosm).
I got into Stewart Lee, and he made me realise a lot of the ridiculousness of the right-wing politics. I had always described myself as liberal or left-wing (not realising that there was a difference between those two things) but I still had some level of right-wing ideology thanks to Top Gear etc. But now that right-wing sentiment in me had been destroyed.
Now we move to the second factor in the change in my personality. I attended a lecture by The Plashing Vole. He went by a different name, of course. And I was slightly fearful of him. He seemed to go on about poetry quite a lot and had a slightly intimidating air of knowledge that I knew I couldn't match. I wouldn't have avoided courses run by him, but I certainly viewed the lectures he ran with trepidation.
He had also been angry once when people hadn't turned up to a seminar, of which I was guilty. So perhaps that had something to do with it too.
Well, this lecture was just brilliant. Fascinating and engrossing. I am a strident note-taker. Over-enthusiastic, some might say. But that whole lecture I just sat, listening, learning. The lecture was on some aspect of media and also went into how the banking crisis had happened and why. (I don't really know why I did media at university as the second part of my joint degree. I am an English major, through and through, and I should have known that, nevertheless, that lecture was one of the single best learning experiences of my life).
The third event was Christopher Hitchens, and I'd say that at this point, Hitch has defined the new aspects of my personality more than anything else.
I had been aware of him, and was a great admirer of his atheist stance. I'd watched videos of him explaining why women aren't funny, and read a couple of articles. But fundamentally I didn't know much about Hitch aside from the fact that has was a very sensible atheist with some very obscure views, including hatred of Mother Theresa and support for the war in Iraq.
I considered him a sort of enigmatic figure, a main course of genius with an order of insanity on the side. It was only very close to his death that I began to realise just how brilliant he actually was.
His support for the war in Iraq, for example (which by the way, is something I completely subscribe to now: it was the right decision taken for the wrong reasons) is something that makes him an easy target.
But when you examine his reasons you begin to see how much of the liberal west got caught up in its own fantasy, and how many people's knowledge of the situation really does not go any further than:
1) It was all Bush's idea
2) It was a war for oil
3) The West started the problems in the Middle East with our foreign policy
If you believe those three things, I strongly recommend you read and listen to Christopher Hitchens, or better yet, get a decent grounding of understanding in the political history of the Middle East.
But I digress.
Part of the problem with Hitch, is that he is such an inspired and brilliant rhetorician but also so unbelievably erudite and intelligent, that it would be easy to do two things:
1) Misunderstand him
2) Take every word he says verbatim without applying any critical logic to it
(something that I see quite regularly away from Hitch with many of my friends or whatever you call some of the people on Facebook who believe themselves to be free-thinkers because they read a couple of Guardian articles a week and take everything Charlie Brooker says as the gospel - pun intended)
What I've learned from Vole, and Hitch especially is that most important thing you should do is mentally challenge everything you hear, read or think. I knew it before. But I absolutely solely believe it is the most important part of your life now.
Wednesday, 21 March 2012
Ladybird.
How emasculating must it be to be a male ladybird? I mean, the name of your species is just two different words for women.
...
Thank you!
I've been working on that joke for about half a year now.
It's still not funny.
I'll keep you updated on any progress.
Tune in next time for a rant about Fabrice Muamba and some more bashing of religion.
...
Thank you!
I've been working on that joke for about half a year now.
It's still not funny.
I'll keep you updated on any progress.
Tune in next time for a rant about Fabrice Muamba and some more bashing of religion.
Thursday, 8 March 2012
When I'm 40.
Someone asked me recently what I thought my life would be like when I was 40.
I don't really know. I think a lot of problems might come down to things beyond my control. But I did imagine that I would be able to write the following sentence:
"When I was in my early twenties I wrote a blog. I had a few sweeping generalisations of what I thought the world might be like, but no actual experience. As such it descended fairly quickly into effectively an open diary available 24 hours a day to allow anyone with any interest in my personality to have the mystery excluded from them almost immediately."
Is it worrying that I'm planning such pessimistic sentences 17 years before they will be applicable to write.
I worry sometimes that part of the problem is a lot of the opinions that I currently have wont make any sense until I'm in my forties, and by then it will be too late to use them as anything other than depressing nostalgia.
I remember Stewart Lee saying that his on stage personality has always been effectively the same: a world-weary man with wise Liberal pessimism, but that the character only really makes sense as an older man who is seemingly more capable of the knowledge that his opinions are correct.
I don't really know. I think a lot of problems might come down to things beyond my control. But I did imagine that I would be able to write the following sentence:
"When I was in my early twenties I wrote a blog. I had a few sweeping generalisations of what I thought the world might be like, but no actual experience. As such it descended fairly quickly into effectively an open diary available 24 hours a day to allow anyone with any interest in my personality to have the mystery excluded from them almost immediately."
Is it worrying that I'm planning such pessimistic sentences 17 years before they will be applicable to write.
I worry sometimes that part of the problem is a lot of the opinions that I currently have wont make any sense until I'm in my forties, and by then it will be too late to use them as anything other than depressing nostalgia.
I remember Stewart Lee saying that his on stage personality has always been effectively the same: a world-weary man with wise Liberal pessimism, but that the character only really makes sense as an older man who is seemingly more capable of the knowledge that his opinions are correct.
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